| meme | ten days: ten things you want to say to ten different people

[watson_ofarkham]

1. I understand quite well the importance of redemption and forgiveness -- the value of it -- but in spite of the rumours I've heard, I don't think I can ever forgive you for all you've done to me. For all I've done to myself in your name. I hope you can live with that. I hope we both can.

2. I wish so desperately I could tell you all the things I've seen and experienced over the last few years, but I fear you wouldn't understand. Not only because you never approved of what my father lived his life for -- what I lived my life for -- but because I'd have to include some of the terrible choices I made for any of it to make the least bit of sense.

3. I never meant to hurt you. I did what I did because at the time I thought it was the best means of keeping you safe. I was wrong and it damaged our relationship. I'm sorry.

4. I wish I could understand why you settled for the life you did. Then again, I suppose I settled to some degree, too, in going back to Mira.

5. I gave everything I had for you. Every dream I had for the longest time, every hope, everything -- it was all in some desperate, misguided attempt to earn your approval. I realize now how naive I was and how impossible your standards were, yet I still can't help but wonder what you would think of me now. I imagine you'd still be disappointed.

6. I don't think I'll ever love you in the way you'd like me to, and for that I'm terribly sorry.

7. I wish I had your heart and your courage. I can't say you haven't made some terrible decisions under the guidance of one or the other, but over the course of the time I've known you, we all have and not always with the same noble intentions.

8. Even if it would have potentially damned us all, I'm sorry I couldn't do as he asked quickly enough. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

9. I wish I'd gotten the chance to know you.

10. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'd say I wasn't myself, but ... I suppose the darkness I felt then was always a part of me and always will be.

Comments

[watson_ofarkham]

I'm far better at it than you are, I'd imagine, but if this isn't an act ... why waste time here taunting me? Why not apologize? And if not to me, then why not find someone who would be more likely to give you the absolution you surely must want? Why not try to repair some of the bridges you've so unceremoniously burnt over the years?

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

I thought bridge building was what we were doing here.

[watson_ofarkham]

Actually, I believe the term you're looking for in this case is arguing or snarking, though I'm sure you're well aware of that. If you were actually making an effort, I imagine this conversation would have gone much differently -- or not at all, assuming you actually focused your attentions on something productive.

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, Mohinder. Can you ever forgive me?

Oh, wait. You already said you wouldn't.

[watson_ofarkham]

... you could at least try making a genuine attempt, regardless.

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.

[watson_ofarkham]

Alright.

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

That's it? Alright?

[watson_ofarkham]

I'm willing to make an effort to believe you truly mean it and aren't simply lying to placate me or for your own ends, but I can't simply forget everything that you've done and tell you it's going to be alright. I accept your words, not your apology. That may change given time and action that backs your words -- I said I didn't think I could forgive you, not that I strictly couldn't -- but until then, alright is the best I can do.

I'd imagine that's a step forward from wanting to find out where you are, exactly, so that I might repeat the incident we had in the lab at Pinehearst.

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

It's okay, you punched like a girl anywa -- [Oh right. He needs to ... stop deflecting.]

I wouldn't apologize if I didn't mean it.

[watson_ofarkham]

I seem to remember breaking your skull.

But yes, that was the impression that I got. Mostly because I can't remember you ever apologizing for any reason -- lying or otherwise -- before now. [maybe when he was pretending to be Zane, but that was mostly for trivial crap, so it doesn't count]

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

My skull got better.

See? So why can't you just accept it? I never meant to hurt anyone. It's just my power. And I learned how to control it now.

[watson_ofarkham]

Should the mother whose child was killed by a drunk driver automatically forgive the driver with two simple words? Forgiveness is earned, not freely given -- a fact I've learned the hard way, as should you.

Besides, I seem to remember you antagonizing me, even before I had an ability, which seems to suggest it was more than just your power.

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

You did prevent me from getting the list.

[watson_ofarkham]

Point, but my original argument remains the same -- if you truly want forgiveness, do something to warrant it.

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

What do you think I should do, then?

[watson_ofarkham]

I'm afraid I can't answer that or at least not entirely. Showing people you can be trusted -- that there's truly a human being under the mask of narcissism and violence you've carved for yourself -- helps but you can't just demand a list of hoops to jump through and expect all to be well when you've finished. It's unfortunately and infinitely more complicated than that.

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

Soooo ... you're saying a card probably isn't going to cut it.

[watson_ofarkham]

In this case, Hallmark is far from "the very best."

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

What if I paid you a visit to show you just how much you mean to me?

[watson_ofarkham]

I'd rather you didn't.

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

I know. You'd "rather" an awful lot of things. And yet, they still happen.

[watson_ofarkham]

In this case, I don't think it will. You've no idea where I live, save that it's somewhere in India, and it's a big country.

[intuitivelyapt.livejournal.com]

I think I could find you pretty easily. Peter's gotta have you somewhere in his address book.

[watson_ofarkham]

Assuming he does, how would you explain that to him?